Fantastic Families Step 3: Share Positive Communication

It probably won't come as a surprise that sharing positive communication is a key to strong families. Most of us don't need an expert in family dynamics to tell us that communication fosters understanding, empathy and love.

But how can we make sure that the way we communicate is healthy? The following are six rules for promoting positive communication in your family.

Rule 1: Allow Enough Time
Strong families make time to talk to one another - both about trivial matters and important issues. Often, the lighter issues come up during normal scheduled time, like dinner or Sunday lunch. But many families find they benefit from scheduling a set time, perhaps a family meeting, to talk about deeper issues. This ensures everyone's voice is heard before someone has to leap from the table to do homework or head to baseball practice. Make sure that your family is making time for both types of communication.

Rule 2: Listen
Communicating involves both talking and listening, but we sometimes forget the second part. We're so busy focusing on what we want to say that we ignore what the other person is trying to tell us. We hear them but we're not listening to them. Strong families convey that they care and respect one another by really listening to what each other has to say.

Rule 3: Check It Out
In families, we sometimes bear the brunt of someone else's bad day. We can be a convenient scapegoat when stress or illness gets the better of a family member. While it's never pleasant when someone lashes out at you, before you react and get angry yourself, check out the situation and see if that person is really upset about something else entirely. Starting a dialogue--"You seem upset today. Is everything okay at work?"--may be just what your family member needs to open up about something that is troubling him.

Rule 4: Get Inside the Other Person's World
No matter how close we are to a person, we don't see the world the same way that person does - even when we're in the same family. That's why when there is a disagreement or conflict, it's important to look at the situation from that person's perspective. Instead of focusing on how right you are and how wrong the other person is, distance yourself from the emotional pull of the situation and ask, "Why does Ellen see this in a different way than I do?" Empathizing with someone, without necessarily agreeing, can diffuse some of the emotion during a difficult conversation.        

Rule 5: Keep the Monsters in Late-Night Movies
In families, there are three "communication monsters" we want to keep locked up: criticizing, evaluating and acting superior. We can all relate to that uncomfortable feeling we get when someone criticizes us or makes us feel inadequate because of some superficial quality that they think we lack. Make a vow to eliminate those monsters from your family's conversations.

Rule 6: Keep it Honest
In strong families, being honest means saying what you mean and meaning what you say. But honesty is more than just not lying; it's an absence of manipulation. Members of strong families don't resort to bullying, outwitting, blaming, dominating or controlling. Strong families also don't use "honesty" as an excuse for being unkind. You might think your sister's haircut is unattractive, but unless she's asked for your blunt opinion, there's no reason to tell her you think it's terrible. And even if she has asked for your opinion, there are softer ways of telling the truth--for example, "I don't think it flatters your face as much as your last cut did."

Take an objective look at your family's communication habits. What are some of the areas where you can improve? Pick one and see if you can focus on that for the next few weeks. See if there's a positive shift in the way your family relates with one another.