04/08/09 - Fantastic Families Step 2: Express Appreciation and Affection

 

God wants and expects us to show appreciation both to him and to others. The New Testament tells how Jesus healed ten lepers but was disappointed when only one, a Samaritan, came back to thank him. Jesus said, "Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?" (Luke 17:15-19)

Strong families understand that when you express appreciation for someone, you are showing you that you value them. And when you accompany that appreciation with a hug or a squeeze of the hand, it truly resonates in the heart. The following are six ways to cultivate appreciation and affection in your family.

Secret 1: Dig for Diamonds
When people dig for diamonds, they don't focus on the dirt; they focus on the diamond. We need to be diamond hunters in our families. Instead of focusing on our spouse or our children's negative behaviors (the dirt), we need to focus on the positive (the diamonds). For example, one woman who participated in a workshop made a decision to stop getting angry or upset when her husband forgot their anniversary. She recognized that although he was a little absent-minded, he was, at heart, a very thoughtful man who frequently bought her flowers for no reason.
When you practice digging for diamonds, you will likely find that the more you look for the good, the more good you see.

Secret 2: Affirm Your Children Verbally
As parents, we literally mold good or bad people out of our babies by telling them they are good or bad. Teach your children how wonderful and special they are by verbally affirming it every chance you get.

Secret 3: Expect Children to Be Affectionate and Appreciative
Children model their parents' behavior beginning at a very early age. When you teach your children to show affection and appreciation and set an expectation for that behavior, children will naturally follow your lead.

Secret 4: Share Humor and Playfulness
Does your family have a "family story" that no matter how many times it's retold, it leaves the whole family in hysterics? More than likely, you do. And you probably have a little grin on your face just thinking about it. Strong families are families that share laughter. Spending time together and engaging in a few deep laughs brings families closer together.

But remember, sarcasm and put-downs are not positive forms of humor. They are verbal weapons and can be very damaging, especially to children. If you or anyone in your family has a sarcastic sense of humor, we encourage you to focus on a more warm-hearted approach to humor.

Secret 5: Purposely Encourage Affection and Appreciation
Too often, marriages become strained when one partner feels the other is not showing enough affection or appreciation. Rather than verbally expressing this need, the hurt spouse lets the anger and resentment reach a boiling point, which can drive the couple apart. It shouldn't be this way. Family members have a right and an obligation to let others know when they need them to do a better job showing appreciation or affection.

Consider bringing this topic up during a family meeting. Ask if everyone is happy with the level of affection and appreciation they are receiving from others. If not, this will be a good opportunity for everyone to clarify their own expectations.

Secret 6: Accept Expressions of Appreciation Gracefully
We've all been in the situation where we have complimented someone on something - maybe a new hairstyle or a new outfit - only to hear the person reply, "It's too short," or "It's old but it's the only thing I could find in my closet." As the person giving the compliment, you're at a loss. You were trying to be nice and now you're left feeling uncomfortable.

Many people are uncomfortable receiving compliments, but it's important to be gracious when they are offered. A simple, Thank you for saying that," goes a long way in making the person giving the compliment, as well as the receiver, feel good.

For some people, expressing appreciation and affection comes naturally. However, for those who were raised in families where displays of affection were rare, it's more difficult and requires more time and patience. If you're in the latter camp, you'll find that the more you practice, the easier it becomes.

Next week, we'll be discussing Step 3 in building Fantastic Families: Share Positive Communication.